Did you know that today is Administrative Professional's Day? I'm guessing that only about a third of you were aware of this, since in my experience most bloggers fall under one of three categories:

• Creative bloggers
• Mommy bloggers
• Office workers with a penchant for escapism

In case you were wondering, I am neither creative nor do I have a uterus. Yet even as a member of the cube farming, paper-shucking elite, I wouldn't say I'm much of an advocate for this "holiday." As in it's stupid and a complete waste of every ounce of effort that goes into it. I believe this mindset to be largely attributed to the fact that rarely does it ever result in a net gain for me. Do I get the day off, a cash bonus, or some other form of unrequited recognition? Of course not. Keep in mind that all of this started back in the 50's by a group of self-congratulatory secretaries, and was probably bank-rolled by Hallmark to boot. I'd also wager it was initially negotiated that this be the one day each year that a motivational pat on the bottom and such pejoratives as "Toots" and "Skirts" were off limits.

The celebrations I have been witness to in the past were pitiful to the point of being funny. Have you ever watched a little kid forced by his parents to give an old and creepy distant relative a hug? Because that's essentially what it looks like when the bossman is put on the spot to deliver an appreciative speech, when all he wanted to do was slip in unnoticed for a piece of Admin Day cake. I can hardly blame the awkwardness though, "Hey guys, um, thanks for all your hard work this year. Um... let's keep it up!" I would a million times over they just say, "Hey guys, ain't this some bullshit? Last I heard you were all getting paid to be here, so you'd better enjoy this fucking cake because I'm docking your pay for the time it took you to eat it."

True story: Many years ago, two other staffers and I received a card from my boss on this day, which was a little surprising considering he was a colossal douchebag. Inside, under the regurgitated praise he had written in there (seriously, the other staffers had the EXACT same message in theirs), was a little p.s. which read "Don't forget about the contacts spreadsheet we talked about yesterday. You can send it to my phone once it's done." I remember that part of the card verbatim, in the same way you'd remember every seemingly insignificant bump and ridge on a flashlight were someone to violate you in the ass with it. Motherfucker had the gall to go after me about work mid-thank you card. Adding insult to injury was that I had no idea what he was talking about, and shortly thereafter realized that my card had in fact been switched with one of the other staffers. Which if you think made me feel better, guess again.

What it comes down to for me is that if you're going to insult our better senses with a bullshit perfunctory holiday, at least build some kind of tradition around it that actually works in favor of those it applies to. I'd settle for the day off, but we all know it could be much more than that. I'm envisioning carnivals, a wall of honor to those lost in the line of duty (freak binding machine accidents and what have you), and the world's biggest biergarten, which would be visible from space. Because you creative mommy bloggers can say what you will about us corporate drones, but alcoholism comes with the territory, and we'll drink your shit under the table any day of the week.