We all knew this day was coming, but personally I didn't expect it so soon. It had originally been my plan to wait until the very end to watch Twilight, a plan that was summarily overturned by the executive television powers Christie is granted each Mother's Day. Thankfully I was able to impose an embargo on the extended/deleted scenes, as we own the ultra special deluxe edition, which is as thick as a dictionary and includes two hours of Robert Pattinson talking about himself while he polishes off a pack of Virginia Slims.

Some might have been led to believe that this movie is shielded from the chick flick label because of its sci-fi roots. I encourage those people to click here (SFW) and then come back to finish this post. I can assure you that there has never been a hysterically crying fan at any of the Die Hard movie premieres.

What can I say other than that Twilight didn't stand a chance with me? I'm simply incapable of enjoying a vampire movie when the vampires are this lame. And in case you were somehow unaware, the vampires of Twilight are super lame. Robert Pattinson plays "Edward," who lives with a group of vampires that refer to themselves as "vegetarians" because they no longer eat people, only animals. Which is extremely clever if you try not to think about it. They also apparently have no weaknesses, and can only die by being dismembered and their remains immediately burned to a cinder. Sunlight only makes them sparkle like a bedazzled hoody from Hot Topic. Garlic, well-planted wooden stakes, or silver? Nothing.

Being this kind of vampire really makes it tough to use as a plot device. Having so little weakness, yet trying to convince us that Edward believes himself to be some kind of monster. Because his life is soooo shitty and all. Let's take a quick inventory of the sweet things he is capable of:

• Super strength
• Super speed
• Super healing
• Sparkling in the sun
• Doesn't need sleep
• Immortality
• Irresistible to the opposite sex
• Oh yeah, and he can READ FUCKING MINDS

That poor bastard! It must be devastating to be that awesome, especially knowing it comes at the steep cost of:

• Drinking animal blood
• Avoiding dismemberment- and disintegration-related accidents.

The main conflict in Twilight comes first from the complicated nature of a vampire/human relationship, and later shifts to a rogue vampire that doesn't abstain from human blood. He gets a whiff of Bella's scent after interrupting her and the other vampires playing baseball (WTF?), and Edward uses his mind powers to learn that he won't stop until Bella is dead. Is anyone else bothered by how convenient all of this is? Is it just assumed that we're so far into the story by this point that we won't simply turn away? Anyway, the vampires all know that this guy is out to kill Bella, but instead of hunting him down first, they stupidly splittup and run. Even though in the very end they have to hunt him down and kill him.

I found everything about Twilight absolutely boring. Slow, dry, dull, uneventful, unsurprising, poorly-filmed, -written, and -acted. No wonder it was a hit. 4 1/2 pink tacos; might have been 5 had there been more worth making fun of.