I May Have More OCD Friends Than I Realized
at Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The more I thought about Monday's post (which has since been updated with EVEN MORE examples of my alleged dickheadery), the more I began thinking of all the little things that get under my skin because of those who refuse to cater to my quirks. Does this make me a hypocrite? Maybe (OK probably), but I prefer to think of myself as an abstruse dichotomy dipped in anomalies and wrapped in bacon. You know, seeing as everything is better wrapped in bacon. Here are some of the things I choose not to participate in, all of which should be considered a net win for those as crazy as myself:
- I'm not the guy who puts small food containers on the top shelf of the fridge.
- I'm not the guy who says "like," "um," or "ya know what I'm sayin" every 5 seconds in a conversation.
- I'm not the guy who forces other people to use coasters.
- I'm not the guy who talks obnoxiously loud on his phone in an otherwise quiet, occupied space.
- I'm not the guy who leaves the toilet seat up. EVER.
- I'm not the guy who leaves the opening of the toothpaste tube looking like a dirty, crusty butthole.
- I'm not the guy who takes up two parking spaces.
- I'm not the guy who doesn't know how the self-checkout at the grocery store works, but insists on using it anyway.
- I'm not the guy who wants to know more about your religion.
- I'm not the guy who uses the "reply to all" button without good reason.
- I'm not the guy who thinks owning a cat/dog makes you a "mommy" or a "daddy".
- I'm not the guy who leaves hair in the soap.
- I'm not the guy who puts you on speakerphone without telling you.
- I'm not the guy who tYpEs LiKe mY KeyBOarD Is HaVINg a SEizUrE.
- I'm not the guy who uses "literally" as my go-to hyperbolic device.
- I'm not the guy who put his children on a leash.
- I'm not the guy who wears electronic devices clipped to his belt.
- I'm not the guy who accidentally gleeks on your face while talking to you.
- I'm not the guy who writes in library books.
- I'm not the guy who shakes hands like a 4-year-old girl.
- I'm not the guy who thinks that it's pronounced "CAR-MEL".
- I'm not the guy who constantly nods his head "yes" during meetings.
- I'm not the guy who allows others to make me re-think who I am.
March 3, 2010 11:33 AM
Could you be the guy who puts his kids on a leash?
I kid, I kid. I'm sure your kids really ARE the adorable ones who never run screaming around the grocery store.
March 3, 2010 11:38 AM
I'm the girl who doesn't wipe your gleek off my face because I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The handshake thing is important. I never trust a guy who can't shake my hand properly.
March 3, 2010 11:47 AM
I like this list better because it makes me less stabby.
I use 'literally' as much as possible. "I LITERALLY had to bleach my eyes out when the woman's boobs were LITERALLY flying out of her shirt and LITERALLY hit me in the head and knocked me unconcious. LITERALLY."
I'm not sure what it says about me as a person that THAT was the first example sentence I came up with.
March 3, 2010 11:49 AM
Guys with weak handshakes creep me out.
I'm so glad you mentioned people who take up two parking spaces. I have quite a few men in my building who do this. I want to stab them.
March 3, 2010 11:56 AM
I'm not the guy who forces other people to use coasters.
I resent that statement, jackass.
March 3, 2010 11:56 AM
I think all guys (and humans, for that matter) should not be the guy who wears electronic devices clipped to his belt.
Lightsabers aren't considered electronic.
Right?
March 3, 2010 12:00 PM
*slow clap*
March 3, 2010 12:02 PM
While I don't necessarily think cell phones themselves are a bad invention, I think most people who own one have become exponentially ruder, and most people own one.
And thanks for not leaving hair on the soap, but did you remember to clean the sink after you were done trimming, Sasquatch?
March 3, 2010 12:27 PM
Great. Not only am I guilty of all of the offensives on your previous blog, but I also am guilty of most of these as well. I'm surprised i have any friends.
March 3, 2010 1:19 PM
Im way OCD- are we friends?
March 3, 2010 2:11 PM
If this was facebook, and there was a "LIKE" button... I would click it.
March 3, 2010 2:51 PM
seriously, how do you leave hair in soap? who does that? i don't get it..
March 3, 2010 3:24 PM
Can we get a ban on "cell-yell" please? I'm prepared to contact my congressman if it would help.
Also, anyone who "shakes hands like a 4-year-old girl deserves to be slapped (even if they are indead a 4-year-old girl)
March 3, 2010 5:57 PM
It almost sounds like some of these were directed at me.
And I'm not the guy who cares in the least.
March 3, 2010 7:47 PM
Dude, you think you could teach my husband correct toothpaste etiquette?
I have to clean the opening every freakin' day...
March 3, 2010 7:50 PM
Don't think that being the the guy who knows how the self-checkout works cancels out your 15+ items dickheadery. Sorry. Still a dick(evil glare).
March 3, 2010 7:59 PM
I am so glad you don't TyPE like THiS I am wiling to forgive all the rest.
March 4, 2010 7:59 AM
You could also publish this as a guide for how not to be a royal douche.
March 4, 2010 12:50 PM
I would comment, but I had to take a Valium and have a lie-down after your last post :::waves "Hi" weakly from OCDville:::
March 4, 2010 3:08 PM
you never leave the toilet seat up?
It's guys like you who give guys like me a bad name.
March 5, 2010 4:21 PM
Why do you hate me so much. Jesus.
March 6, 2010 12:07 PM
I commend you for the toilet seat. I just got into a discussion about that very subject with 3 of my guy friends a few weeks ago and it turned into quite the debate. Who knew everyone has such an opinion over so small a thing. (well, apparently it's not such a small thing if I'm commending you for not leaving it up lol)
March 7, 2010 2:27 AM
I like this. I especially like the last point!